PROCRASTINATORS UNITE - They're doing it again.

Well, now I know that another week has begun; they're on about video games again, lying through their teeth. This time, two different super-conservatives are claiming the BioWare's latest production, Mass Effect, contains X-rated material. One even goes so far as to claim that it has (and I couldn't have made this up; it's too goddamn idiotic) "customizable sodomy." Yeah. And I'm the king of all Londinium, complete with shiny hat. The scene in question involves the player character (who is the only user-customizable character, I might add), and one of the female supporting cast. I've not played Mass Effect (yet), but my guess is that it's a more.. uhm.. advanced form of what you can do in KOTOR; one of the other cast falls for your character (by default, only a heterosexual pairing is allowed. PC versions can be customized to unlock a lesbian one, though that's only implied). And even then, it was just a kiss at the absolute most (though, due to game engine limitations (I think), they faded to black). Yeah. That's the hardcore stuff all right. And from what I've heard of Mass Effect's "sex scene," it's not that far removed from the ones in the two God of War games; we don't really see anything, but oh, do we hear it.

I'm tempted to hammer out a form letter to the powers that be:

Dear Sir(s) and/or Ma'am(s) (check one): Before you begin to consider government regulation of video games, consider this: Most of the big media kerfuffles of the past five years have been about things that were not issues at all. To save you the trouble, I've done the research for you.

A primer, first, though: The Entertainment Software Ratings Board (ESRB) maintains a rating system that is supposed to be comparable to the one used by the MPAA. The first, and least objectionable rating, is "EC," for Early Childhood. These are the games for children aged 3 and up. The most objectionable content in these, if any exists at all, is likely to be cartoon violence, but no more than a Saturday morning cartoon. In practice, EC games are very rare. The next rating is "E." These games are intended for everyone, but may scare younger children. These two ratings are designed to be comparable to a "G" rating from the MPAA. The next step up is "E10+" for children aged 10 and over. These are comparable to PG movies. If "Home Alone" were a video game, it would likely recieve this rating. The next step up is "T," or Teen. These are intended for children from 13 and up, comparable to a PG13 movie. The next rating is, in practice, the absolute highest rating. "M" for Mature. These games are designed for mature players, aged 17 and up. Comparable to an R rated movie (and it often shows). The next highest game rating, which is almost never issued, is "AO," Adults Only. These are often either hyper-violent games, or games with a sexual theme. Nintendo and Sony, two of the three main video game console manufacturers, will not allow "AO" games on their consoles. These are the NC-17 movies, if you'll allow the metaphor. This concludes the ratings primer.

From the most recent video game kerfuffle, to the least, here we go:

Mass Effect: A role-playing game from Canadian firm BioWare. The stink raised here refers to a so-called "sex scene" between the player character, and one of the supporting cast, if you will. The scene in question consists primarily of kissing and light petting; nothing worse than you'd see in any good romantic movie. However, one pundit has suggested that the game offers "customizable sodomy," and that it basically allows players a front row seat to the action. I, personally, have not played Mass Effect, so I do not feel qualified to comment on whether or not his statement is true. However, considering that the game is rated M, and not AO (as such content would cause it to be rated), I find the statement a little hard to believe. I also do not believe that BioWare would produce such a game in the first place.

Manhunt 2: A third-person action game from Rockstar Games. This game was protested from its initial announcement, by those who were concerned about the high level of violence within it. Specifically, the way the player can execute non-player characters in various highly brutal fashions. So brutal, in fact, that the British Board of Film Classification, the body responsible for rating games and movies within the United Kingdom, refused to classify the game, effectively banning it from sale. I have not played either this game, nor its predecessor. Nor do I really have any intention to. However, the game should not be banned. The final release candidate (version) of the game was rated M by the Entertainment Software Ratings Board. This rating is supposed to be comparable to an R-rated movie, however, from what I have heard, the hastily-added censoring to the game barely makes that cut.

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas: A third person "sandbox" adventure game from Rockstar Games. The major "stink" surrounding this game concerned a hidden minigame that was locked off by the developers before it was released. Called "Hot Coffee," this allowed the protagonist to enter his girlfriend's residence for what she called "Hot coffee" (hence the name of the minigame). In the main version of the game, this is limited to passionate cries from the two, while the camera focuses on the exterior of the house. In the minigame, however, it's rather obvious just what they're doing. While it is true that the developers made the minigame, and included it in the final release candidate, the minigame was inaccessible to the end user without "hacking" the game. For all intents and purposes, this menat that the minigame could not be seen. Were it not for the inquisitive hackers, the minigame wouldn't have even been found. It was, though, and once it came to light that the content was on all the game discs, the game was re-rated, from "M" to "AO," until Rockstar released a newer version of the game, this time without the minigame.

In conclusion, the three "big" issues about video games, are really not issues at all. Each of the games mentioned are designed and rated for mature audiences. If they were made into movies, rather than games, I can't see that they would have been issues at all. Holding video games to a higher standard than Hollywood is unfair. It is not right to force a new art form to conform to antiquated standards. The standards must adapt to the time. As a good example: Present fashions (to the best of my knowledge; I don't follow fashion) seem to trend towards more and more revealing clothing for women. If our standards had not adapted, we would be wearing clothes not that far removed from those that the Founding Fathers wore.

Thank you for your attention.

S. M. [baweeted],
"Attorney at Lawl"
(no degree held; social title only)